What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
I love you deerly.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
I cannoli be happy
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
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