What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Pugs and kisses.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
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