What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
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