How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Poor white splash.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
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