After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
We were mermaid for each other.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
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