Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I think I found my perfect match
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
I always have a ball with you.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Snow thank you.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Go to BabaMail
