What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
We were mermaid for each other.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
I love you a tot!
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
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