Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Sip, sip, horray!
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
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