Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I’m feelin’ pine.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
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