What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
"Love the wine you're with."
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
How Rudolf you to say that!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
The goal nine yards
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
The weather outside is snow joke.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
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