What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
This is snow laughing matter!
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
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