How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
"Partners in wine."
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
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