What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
You are shrimply the best!
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
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