Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
I’m very frond of you.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I goat this.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
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