What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Can’t pinch this.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
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