Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
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