What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
Can I Alp you?
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Call me on the shellphone.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Go to BabaMail
