My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
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