Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
I feel tail great!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
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