I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Snow thank you.
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