Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
You are un-beer-lievable!
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Look for a rainbow connection.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
"Stop and smell the rosé."
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