What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
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