Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
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