What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Leave poetry to the prose.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
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