What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
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