Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Avoid pier pressure.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
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