My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I have no shelf control.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Nothing really mattress.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
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