This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Join us for plenty of play action.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I love you from my head tomatoes.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
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