Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
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