There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I’ll never leaf you.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
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