What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Come witch me to the party.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
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