My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
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