"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
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