Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Don't fork-get your manners.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
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