Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
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