Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
Seas the day!
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
I whale-y like you.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
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