What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Up to snow good.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
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