A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
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