What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
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