I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
That’s a-may-zing!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
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