Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Every piece of you is sweet.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
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