What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Cutest clover in the patch.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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