Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
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