What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
I've been thinking of U periodically.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Tropic like it's hot.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
You’re my lucky charm.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
"It's wine o'clock."
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
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