Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
"You can't beat me."
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
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