I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Having a ball
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
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