The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Go to BabaMail
