My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
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