My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I goat this.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
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