What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
"You can't beat me."
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
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