How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Eddie edited it.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
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