What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
You’re my soul Santa.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
"Lazy bones."
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What does a house wear?
Address.
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