Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
"Bugs and hisses."
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
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