What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
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