I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Summer is just floating by.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
You are un-beer-lievable!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
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