Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
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