What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
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