My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Rebel without a Claus.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Don't even chai.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
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