I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Rebel without a Claus.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
"Great minds drink alike."
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
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