What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I call the shots.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
Keep calm and carrot on.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
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