Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
"What an egg-citing day."
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
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