Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
"There's no bunny like you."
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
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