After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
You’re wine in a million.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
We’re calling your number.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
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