I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
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