Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
You're one in a melon.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Can I be Candide with you?
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
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