A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
We’re mint to be.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Yule be sorry.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
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