What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I call the shots.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
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