Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
I always have a souper time with you.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
We’re mint to be.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
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