In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
I like you sow much.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
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