What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I like you a latke!
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
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