I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
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