The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
You are un-beer-lievable!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Don't even chai.
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