What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
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