My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
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