The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
We make a great pear
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
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