If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
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