Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
You octopi my thoughts.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
I have bean
thinking about you.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Case in punt
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
"You make me egg-static."
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
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