What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Fishing you a happy day.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
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