Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
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