What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
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