Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Your presents is requested.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Seas the day!
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
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