What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
We make a great pear
Skiing is believing!
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
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