You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
You mermaid to go far.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
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