Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Get clover it, babe.
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