Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Life is brew-tiful!
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
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