My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Readers do it by the book.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
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