Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Air resistance is a real drag.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
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