Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Wish upon a starfish.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
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