Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
The pint’s the limit.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Goat milk?
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
I'm snow bored.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
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