What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
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