What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
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