Water you doing on [date]?
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Resting Grinch face.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
You are spud-tacular.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
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